What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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