Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
