Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
