I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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