I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
