"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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