I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
