I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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