paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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