that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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