I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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