I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
