I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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