I wish I only lived at night.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
