I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
