i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
