I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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