wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
