I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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