Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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