Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
