My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
