I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
