Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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