I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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