You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
