Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
