Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
