Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
