when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
