If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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