the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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