Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
