We're facebook friends in real life
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
