my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
