obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
