I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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