Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
