what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
