Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
