hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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