somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
