If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
