We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
