thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
