Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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