the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
