He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
