You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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