Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
