sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
